When even one keystroke feels like an act of unspeakable hubris. Because who the hell are you to have an opinion on anything whatsoever? You’re a nobody and those who are somebodies make sure you know it. Familiar? Oh yes.
Yesterday’s moment of zen – what to pick. The invite to a screening on October 21st. Yes, that was a highlight indeed. I won’t have to pay, of course. I’ll go with the kiddies and their parents. Then, I’ll get to administer the quiz to the kids on the following week. Do you remember last week’s movie? Yes? Remember what it was about? and so on. I haven’t entered it on my calendar of upcoming events yet. Mustn’t forget. Won’t, for sure.
The stories don’t jell – or if they do, you don’t see it. You’re an occasional blip on someone else’s screen – hurray, hurray. The money’s come through on your bank account – your job to make it last till the fall. Summer holidays coming up = no paycheck. With luck, you’ll get to rake in a bit more with a workshop or two. Nothing fancy: basic grammar and spelling for refugees, that kind of workshop. A few of them profit from the experience, others don’t.
You’re supposed to polish off a synopsis and, by gum, there’s no polish left in the spit. Self-pity looms like a bank of storm clouds. All this for naught? and so on. But don’t worry: you’re a good egg and folks like you a lot. Smile, kid, smile. Keep going, etc.
There. You managed the unspeakable hubris of over two hundred words on a screen. No rain while you walked with the dog. Joie de vivre at a premium right now? Don’t fail to record whatever trace of it shows up. Man. For instance: the sight of “news” about France on The New York Times website. The renovated Ritz in Paris. Man. Sure makes for a smile. Thanks, ye good ol’ TNYT for the stuff that counts.
Finding the break in the pattern. Or sticking to your own ways. Either way, nobody else will live your life for you, that much is clear.